SOUTH BEND, IN—In a disturbing new report, CNN has revealed the bizarre practices of the strange cult Amy Coney Berrett belongs to. Known to some as “Christendom,” it features many ancient rituals that were recorded by undercover CNN journalists at a strange stone building on Sunday where the ceremonies were held.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said CNN’s investigative reporter from the scene. “This is really, really sick stuff. It’s never been more clear to me that Amy Coney Barrett is an existential threat to our civil liberties, in addition to being a major weirdo.”
According to sources, the building where these rituals take place is littered with statues of dead people. In addition to the statues, the central feature of the inner sanctum is a giant torture device with the likeness of a victim being nailed to it.
“Please be advised,” said the CNN anchor reporting the news. “What you’re about to see is disturbing.”
Secret cameras showed Amy Coney Barrett kneeling before a priest-type figure as he recited some kind of incantation in a dead tongue. The priest then held up a round wafer and a goblet of red liquid which he announced to be the true body and blood of a Jewish rabbi who died 2000 years ago.
“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but she ate and drank the stuff,” said the reporter with trembling lips. “This is horrifying. Amy Coney Barrett must be stopped!”
They then brought a newborn baby to a basin of water and attempted to drown it. Fortunately, the baby survived. After the ceremony, they crossed themselves in what appears to be a vague reference to the Crusades and a white-supremacist dog-whistle.
“This woman is clearly looney-tunes. No chance she’ll be confirmed,” concluded CNN.