CNN Reports Amy Coney Barrett Attended Bizarre Ceremony Where She Ate Flesh, Drank Blood Of Jewish Guy

SOUTH BEND, IN—In a disturbing new report, CNN has revealed the bizarre practices of the strange cult Amy Coney Berrett belongs to. Known to some as “Christendom,” it features many ancient rituals that were recorded by undercover CNN journalists at a strange stone building on Sunday where the ceremonies were held.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said CNN’s investigative reporter from the scene. “This is really, really sick stuff. It’s never been more clear to me that Amy Coney Barrett is an existential threat to our civil liberties, in addition to being a major weirdo.”

According to sources, the building where these rituals take place is littered with statues of dead people. In addition to the statues, the central feature of the inner sanctum is a giant torture device with the likeness of a victim being nailed to it.

“Please be advised,” said the CNN anchor reporting the news. “What you’re about to see is disturbing.”

Secret cameras showed Amy Coney Barrett kneeling before a priest-type figure as he recited some kind of incantation in a dead tongue. The priest then held up a round wafer and a goblet of red liquid which he announced to be the true body and blood of a Jewish rabbi who died 2000 years ago.

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but she ate and drank the stuff,” said the reporter with trembling lips. “This is horrifying. Amy Coney Barrett must be stopped!”

They then brought a newborn baby to a basin of water and attempted to drown it. Fortunately, the baby survived. After the ceremony, they crossed themselves in what appears to be a vague reference to the Crusades and a white-supremacist dog-whistle.

“This woman is clearly looney-tunes. No chance she’ll be confirmed,” concluded CNN.


Categories: Christianity, Satire, Silly

5 replies

  1. Happens every sunday, that cult is global🤣

  2. Terrifying.

    A number of people have noted that if she gets onto the Supreme Court, she will turn American into Iran (😱). Exempli gratia:

    Well, some researchers here looked into it a bit more, and get this:

    (1) People familiar with Barrett’s religious group said the leadership wears headdresses called “mitres”. It turns out mitre comes from the Greek word μίτρα, which means turban, and the Moslem leadership in Iran does wear turbans.

    (2) Barrett’s religious group teaches that the mother of a character called “Messiah” became pregnant without having relations with a man. It turns out, the Alkoran of the Moslems makes the same claim! Coincidence?

    (3) Barrett’s religious group has a central text which tells a homophobic story about people in the time of someone named Lot, who were gay rapists or something it. That text which is central to Barrett’s religion may well be none other than the Alkoran of the Moslems, which apparently has that story.

    (4) Barrett’s religious group believes in temporary holding place for the dead, between death and resurrection. Apparently Moslems believe in something similar, and call it something like Barzekh, which sounds suspiciously close to Barrett.

    (5) People who have snuck into Barrett’s group said they saw women wearing chadors and holding prayer beads. Sort of like what you’d see in Iran…

  3. Barrett is a practicing Catholic and also has been an active participant in the small, tightly knit, nondenominational charismatic Christian parachurch community People of Praise. Founded in South Bend, the self-described ecumenical “covenant community” is associated with the Catholic charismatic renewal movement but not formally affiliated with the Catholic Church. Approximately 90% of its members are Catholic. In 2015, Barrett signed a letter to the Synod on the Family that said the Church’s teachings on marriage and family are “founded on the indissoluble commitment of a man and a woman”. Wikipedia.

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